IDooku's
FINAL FANTASY VI
Ramblings

My final team was Locke, Tina, Edger, and Celes. Locke, IMO, is the main character of FF6. And besides, every party needs a Thi, er.. Treasure Hunter. I used Tina because she's strong as fuck as an Esper. 'nuff said. I used Edgar religiously throughout the game, 'cause he's my favorite character. Not to mention, Drill and Chainsaw got me through almost every boss fight in the game. I decked him out with the coolest equipment, Atma Weapon, Paladin Shield, Thornlet, Offering, Economizer and a Snow Muffler with a little help from a Game Genie (just the Snow Muffler, everything else I got legitimately, and I didn't put a Snow Muffler on anyone else). Celes was my big "mage", so she always had the most magic the way I trained her. Even though, by the end of the game, most my chars already learned every magic, I had grown accustomed to using her, and the only character that can use swords besides the prior three. Unfortunately, I can't say that I liked any of the other characters in the game besides Setzer, and that's only character wise. His slot and coin abilities were useless, and I don't like people who defend themselves with playing cards and darts. Sorry.

I hate all of the FF6 characters except Locke, Tina, Edgar, Celes, and Setzer.

Mash/Sabin - Mash is just stupid. His character is lame, and his design is lame. All you ever learn about this loser is that he gave up the throne of Figaro (dumbass). Why would someone do such a stupid thing? It's not like it was for 'freedom'. Edgar turned out to be King, and he seems pretty damned free to me, chasing after girls all the time and such. To sum up his design, he wears a tank top and sweatpants. His hair sticks up a lot like Guile's, and he even has a move that looks exactly like Sonic Boom (Air Blade). If he were wearing camo, he would be Guile. He's just a wandering, martial artist/bum. I guess Bum Rush was aptly named.

Shadow - Shadow is a ninja who wanders around, supposedly an assassin/bounty hunter. He's obviously not a good one, because he spends most of his time wandering back and forth between bars and hanging around houses with crazy old men in them, doing absolutely nothing but being extremely over protective of his dog, Interceptor, who appears quite capable of taking care of itself. A lot of people love this character. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that runs away with your equipment and money every twenty minutes, or the way he would "slit his moma's throat for a nickel". Wow, cool. Cheaper than a Jewish used-car salesman, but cool... with that kind of loyalty, who wouldn't want him on their team? The only reason he was in this game is because Japanese people can't have a game without ninjas, even if they don't belong there. See Metal Gear Solid.

Cyan/Cyanne - Cyanne does nothing but cry and bitch throughout the whole game. He has a fairly good reason to, what with his wife and child dying and all. I just think the conditions of their deaths are questionable. His son was sleeping in bed, but still managed to drink poisoned water. Perhaps he died from ingesting so much fish feces for years, since the Doma water supply obviously doesn't have a filtration system. He knows absolutely nothing about machinery, and his antics whenever he comes in contact with it are embarrassing and horribly unfunny, despite the world of FF6 is filled to the brim with all kinds of machines. His skill, Swd. Tech, is absolutely useless. You sit there and let his Swd. Tech gauge fill up, all the while, the enemy is free to pound your asses into the ground. When it fills up to a certain level, you can do any number of attacks depending on how much of the meter is filled. In the time it takes for him to charge Quadra Slam, your other characters could've already done twice as much damage by simply attacking. At least Mash's skills were useful.

Gau - Gau is arguably, the worst FF character, EVER. If there were a game about him, I'm sure I'd rather play FF8 again for six months straight. He was abandoned as an infant in the Veldt, a place where monsters come to breed, and apparently where Magitek Armor and Imperial Soldiers come to breed too, since many of them can also be found in the Veldt as well. The game never gives you any explanation as to why he's abandoned other than his father is a total crack pot. But then again, if I had a kid like Gau, I'd abandon him too. He has trouble talking, he talks a lot like Ayla, since he was raised by monsters and all. Which is weird, because a lot of monsters in FF6 speak perfect English better than Gau does, so I don't see why he's so stupid. His antics are embarrassing too, and when mixed with Sabin and Cyan, I just feel like closing my eyes and imagining that Square is smarter than this, but then I accidentally remind myself of FF8, and all hopes for that are lost. He can't do anything else but a skill called "Rage", where he emulates a monster he's learned skills from by supposedly Leaping into it, complete with a gushy splattering sound effect and mysterious white liquid. I assume Gau mates with the monster, and in return, the monster tells Gau how to do all of it's moves. Depending on how sexy the monster is, Gau may be gone making love to it for days while you wander around looking for him.

Mog - Moogles are annoying, and must be killed. Kupo. :)

Stragus/Strago - Strago is a really old man with a mohawk. He lives in a town called Thamasa, the only place where humans know how to use magic naturally. A long time ago, he and a friend tried to kill this monster called Hidon, but it turned out to be futile. Why? I'm not sure. Hidon lives deep inside a cave and it's almost impossible to get to him. It doesn't seem like he could ever bother anyone, since he probably doesn't know how to get out of the cave himself. There's not really much else to say about Stragus. He's just your typical Tellah/Galuf type character, only he doesn't do anything special, like dying.

Relm - Relm is a porn star in the making. She hits on Edgar the first time she sees him, and spends an awful lot of time alone with Shadow's dog, Interceptor. After the end of the world, she can be found at an aristocrat's house painting a picture of a possessed naked chic. I'm surprised this girl turned out to be such a little horn dog, considering she lives in an obscure little town with her grandpa where nothing ever happens...

Umaro - Umaro is a yeti. You never learn anything else about Umaro. He has some kind of relationship with Mog, which is never explained. He's a rather powerful chap, but you can't control him. If you equip him with a Blizzard Orb, he'll hit all enemies with a powerful ice blast every now and then, and his Snow Muffler is pretty much invincible against anything. But he's still almost useless. It sucks to have him be the last character left in a boss fight, since all you can do is watch him act like a doofus. I wish he'd have the sense to cure himself. He knows how to use an item bag, because he uses Green Cherries on himself when you fight him.

General Leo - General Leo isn't really a bad guy. I don't think he knows what he is. Sometimes he's white, sometimes he's black. I think he's suffering from the same shit Birdie from Street Fighter and Michael Jackson have. Look at his sprite, and then look at his status portrait if you don't believe me. It looks like his dad was Forest Gump and his mom was a neon blonde Treasure Troll.

Emperor Gestahl - The Emperor isn't a very bright guy. This is given by his extremely bad choice in side kicks. All three of his generals and his Magitek engineer turn on him, and one of them kills him. After you infiltrate the Magitek Fortress to foil is evil schemes, he asks you to dinner as revenge, proving just how cruel he is. He's also very picky, since he wont let you have a bunch of cool shit in a Lockeed room unless you toast to the right things at the banquet. Basically, you have to act like everything is your fault and that the Empire is better than you. Maybe if I had dinner with Sodom Husan and said that the Gulf War was our fault, he'll give me the key to his SCUD missile warehouse.

Cefca/Kefka - Cefca is the big bad boss of FF6. A lot of people worship him, and I've even heard some herald him as the greatest villain ever. This is quite true, since he does his job at being a villain very well; making you not like him. Cefca is the biggest wimp I've ever seen. He looks like a girl, naturally, but he also prances around in pink clothes and wears make up. For whatever reason, he's Emperor Gestahl's trusted side kick. He does a lot of bad stuff in FF6. For one, he tries to burn down Figaro Castle, despite the fact it's made of stone. From the start, I got the idea he wasn't too bright. As the castle sinks below the sand and you escape on Chocobo's, he exclaims "Son of a Submariner!". I assume this is bad Nintendo editing, but it wouldn't surprise me if this fruit cake said that in the Japanese version too.

In another event, he poisons Doma's water supply, and for some reason, everyone in Doma gets the urge to drink water at the exact same time. A lot of people look on this as a really devious thing to do, but it just made me look at him as more of a coward than he already was. Besides, it was more Doma's people's stupidity. The entire water supply turned purple after Cefca tainted it. I've never seen purple water, and I don't think they had grape soda in FF6, so if I were a soldier in Doma, I'd take the purple water to another soldier as ask him to try it. You could guarantee that I would be the last soldier alive in Doma.

Yet more evilness occurs when he kills all of the Espers, apparently with a mobile save point. I'm not doubting the offensive power of save points, or anything, but I don't think the Espers would've lived long anyways, since they died from something normal human beings walk through about 40 times a day in FF6, what with dangerous things like pollen and oxygen for them to walk through as well.. after he collects all the Magicite, he explodes up Thamasa real good, but curiously, no damage is done.

His most infamous dastardly deed is probably the destruction of the world. I can credit him for being the only RPG character ever to destroy the world, but this took absolutely no effort. He moved a couple statues around and the bitch just kinda broke apart. God forbid Shadow would've accidentally knocked one out of place, 'cause then he would've destroyed the world. Maybe if the island hit a little turbulence, the island itself would've caused the destruction of the world.. or would that be the turbulence's fault? Ah.. who knows. Either way, any moron could've moved a couple statues around.

During the final confrontation with Cefca, he goes on and on about how much he hates life and existence while giant penis-shaped pillars of rusty metal rise from the ground and go straight up his ass. In one extremely embarrassing moment, after all of the characters explain their use to the party, he says "You all sound like chapters from a self help booklet!" Self help booklets? In FF6? Great. This reminds me of a scene in Return Of The Jedi where Chewbacca howls like Tarzan. It basically smacks you in the face and ruins any sense of fantasy from the game by saying "Wake up! You're playing a game and none of this is real!" Thanks for making me feel that for the first time in an RPG, Cefca. You actually transcend fiction and make me hate you in real life, too. When you finally fight Cefca, after traveling up his giant dildo with a bunch of naked men trapped inside, he floats down, having painted himself pink and draped in a purple cloth, which still doesn't hide his massive boner.

The battle is also pathetically easy. He has a couple of cheap tricks that will require you to desperately need healing, but even if you come here accidentally, he's SORRY. Just pathetic. I'd respect him as a villain if he could at least back his shit up. If you let him live long enough, he just might use an attack called "Goner", which looks really spiffy. But I wasn't even aware he had this attack until recently, because I always killed him before he could use it. And so begins the tradition of extremely easy FF bosses.

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